


Quiet Inspirations

by Mysticmcknight



Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-29
Updated: 2017-04-29
Packaged: 2018-10-25 10:54:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,039
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10762809
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mysticmcknight/pseuds/Mysticmcknight
Summary: One can learn a lot when one takes the time to think and see into the moment.





	Quiet Inspirations

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: THIS STORY HAS SQUIRKS AND DEATH OF A MINOR CHARACTER AND A SPOILER OF VOYAGER’S LAST EP. Hate giving things away, but hate people being mad too, enjoy. 
> 
> NOTE: This story was written over 15 years ago. 
> 
> This is dedicated to Cheryl Forbes for her beautiful story Q-love that inspired me to write this story. (It's been so long I don't have a current URL for the story above)

There is something that can be said about an average day, and that is…they can be quite boring or desired, depending on what has come before such a day. For Doctor Bashir, a day without a medical crisis, or a real challenge was welcomed, but deep down it irked him to no end. No, he would never wish something go a foul for anyone so he would have a chance to practice his skill, no, he wasn’t like that, but he needed something to remind him that he had worth, for Starfleet obviously didn’t think so. 

He just came from Colonel Kira Nerys’ office where she had politely and sympathetically informed him that he had been turned down for a promotion. This would make twelve opportunities that have come and gone since his little ‘dirty’ secret had been revealed. Sure, Starfleet allowed him to stay, and after getting the Founders to back off by preventing genocide, they kept their distance, but they also made it clear that he better get use to being the oldest Lieutenant in the fleet, for his career beyond DS9 was…dead. 

Strangely, even after receiving the bad news, he didn’t feel as angry as others thought he would, since this was old news by now. In fact, he would have been more affected had he gotten the promotion then being turned down. He had gone to Quark and collected his share of the betting pool, which Quark barked about, but Julian only shrugged it off. He would use his share for the local families that were struggling because of the last war with the Dominion, for he didn’t have any use for it. After dropping his share off to the local representative, he headed back to his quarters, where he planed a quiet dinner by himself and then bed. 

Once home, for he truly believed he would live out his life here unless he quit Starfleet, he moved through his quarters and took note of the few messages left for him. One was from O’Brien, he and the family were doing fine, and another was from Garak, saying that things were going well and thanks for the supplies that had ‘accidentally’ come his way. The third was from Ezri Dax, who in her naïve way wished him luck on the promotion, and apologized again, but, “The opportunity” was too good to pass up, and she hoped he understood. The last one was from the new First Officer, a nice guy, who probably could be a friend, if Julian put a little effort into it. 

With a tiny smile, Julian deleted his messages, and headed in his room for a quick shower, then he was going to eat, read some reports, and then bed…because that was all he cared to deal with at the moment, and on a deep level, felt was a routine he’d better get use too. He entered his bedroom and stripped down, tossing his uniform in the refresher, and headed into the shower. He didn’t stay in very long, and with a towel around his waist, and a smaller towel in hand, for drying his dark hair he exited back into his bed room. 

Still drying his hair, he moved to the view port and stared out at the stars, knowing them all by name, for he had stared at them so long, and had been here for so many hears he learned them. There was this one, it pulsated in a vibrant purple, which he could only see from his bedroom, and that one, for some strange reason became his favorite. The Bajoran’s called it Shanal Doray, or Quiet Inspirations. It was believed that if you focused you mind on it, you would be touched by its silent wisdom. He didn’t know if that was true or not, but he liked the tiny star, and always took a moment to enjoy its beauty, sometimes even falling back to the old childhood thing, of making a wish on it. 

“Star night, star bright, first ‘real’ star I see tonight. I wish I may I wish I might, to have my wish tonight,” he recited, and closed his eyes and let his heart make a wish, then laughed as how silly it was. 

“I don’t know, you humans have done much sillier things than make wishes on sun’s and planets,” a strange yet familiar voice stated from behind him. 

Julian turned around to see Q sitting on the edge of the bed, dressed in his Captain’s uniform. It had been quite a while since the entity had been around, and Julian was surprised that he would be here of all places. “Q?” 

“I see they don’t call you golden boy for nothing,” Q quipped, his usual smug mask in place, but it didn’t last very long. It was like he didn’t have the energy anymore to be smug or sarcastic, and he gave a small sight. “Actually, Julian, I’ve come to see you for I believe that you can help me with something.” 

Julian arched a brow. “Me, help you?” he looked skeptical, for he knew as much as anyone else did, that the Q were very powerful and claimed to be superior to humans in all things. “I don’t…” he was going to say I don’t think so, but something in the bright eyes that lacked their usual luster and were staring at him made him change his mind. “I can’t promise anything, but I’ll try,” he replied, his compassion showing. 

“See, that’s just it,” Q stated as he stood up and moved across to where Julian stood dripping in his towel. “Not only would another Q would have said no and laughed at me, most humans I know would have only shouted for me to get out. Just once, I’d like someone to be glad I showed up!” he exasperated. Then he looked at the young man. “But you, you’re different; you always put others above yourself, something Ben called…” he looked like he was struggling to find the words. “Your selfless love for mankind,” he stated then looked back at the young healer.

“Ben…said that…about me?” Julian felt a flush to his cheeks at the compliment, and a twinge of regret, for his lost…or missing, friend. 

“Oh yes, he once called you the ‘bottomless heart” but I think he was mad at the time, but still, the point was, I too think he’s right. So, I have a problem, and I think you can help me with it.” 

Julian snorted at the semi-compliment and smiled. “Okay, what’s the problem?” 

“I want to know about love.” 

Julian looked at Q stunned, for it wasn’t even close to what he thought the entity would ask, not that he really had a clue to what Q would want from him. “Ah…love? Um…” he didn’t know how to go about explaining love. “It’s a…feeling…one that is incredible…”

“I know what humans and other species say it is; I want to learn…about it.” Q stated flatly, though his arms folded around his chest, showing the slight indication this subject made him uncomfortable, but one he still wanted to pursue. 

Julian leaned against the small table that stood before the view port, “Well, what kind of love. There are different types…”

“I know about physical love,” Q snapped. 

Julian looked up and met Q’s eyes; there was discomfort, and confusion. Then it dawned on him, “Sex and making love are not the same. For if you really knew the physical aspect of love, you would understand love…well about as well as any of us,” he smiled. 

“Show me,” Q stated flatly, as if it was that simple. 

Julian laughed, but not at Q, just the request. “Q, I can’t show you the difference, I’m not in love with you, and you’re not in love with me. Unfortunately, the best I could offer would be sex and I don’t think that’s what you’re looking for.” 

“In…love? You mean before I can make love I have to…be…in love?”

“And someone in love with you. I guess…” Julian looked away, for his conclusion on this matter made his heart ache for the entity. “I guess you can’t understand love until you are loved.” 

Q moved in close to Julian, “how did you learn to love?” 

“Well…my parents…family…friends…then eventually lovers came into my life…”

“But most of them hurt you…how can you still…love anyone?” Q demanded, his frustration showing in his eyes that were getting dark by his confusion on the subject. 

“I…I don’t know, Q. But…not everyone hurt me, there were plenty that loved me as a child, and some of my lovers did love me…it…just didn’t work out.” He looked at the confused male before him and felt for him, “I’m sorry; I guess…I can’t help you after all.” Then he looked at Q who seemed to be in deep thought, “Why? Why do you want to know about love?”

It was Q’s turn to snort. “Because it’s the one thing that eludes the continuum, the one thing that seems all the power in the universe can’t…make happen. I even had a son, with another Q, and…though I am concerned about him, if he met his end…I would just consider making another…”

“What?” Julian was taken back by his words. “How can you say that, he’s your son?”

Q looked in Julian’s dark shining eyes. “That’s the whole point. I can say it for I don’t love him. I’ve seen love in action; I just can’t…get a handle on it.” Being so close to the young man, Q reached out and caressed the smooth golden skin, “Though I have tried.” 

The touch was warm and felt nice, for it had been a long time since anyone touched him intimately. He could see the lust building in the bright eyes before him, and understood what was happening. “Q, if you want a warm body to hold and touch, I can offer that, but I don’t love you…” 

Q sighed. “I guess that will have to do,” and leaned in and kissed the firm sweet lips of the beautiful human before him. The kiss was gentle and sweet, and Q took notice that Julian gave of himself freely in the touch. Others in the past had to be seduced or ‘persuaded’ via a bargain, but not this lovely young man. He leaned back and looked deep into eyes that held so much more, if only he could understand it all. “If you could have anything, what would ‘you’ want?” he asked in a sultry voice. 

Julian smiled warmly, enjoying the close proximity of the strong muscular body near him. “Q, you don’t have to ‘buy’ me,” he said lightly, for he didn’t take it as an insult. For some reason, he could see that this was how Q got his ‘lovers’ and he didn’t want to be apart of that list. “If you want to share my bed, I would…like that.” A part of him was stunned at his words, but, the kiss felt good, and he so much didn’t want to be alone…even if it was just for a night. 

Q was taken back once again by this young man; most would have answered that question, not knowing if it was just a question or a bribe, but not Julian. He knew what this was all about, and once again offered himself…freely. Q gave a small deep smile. “I would like that,” he whispered, and took Julian into his arms, kissing him deeply. In a flash they were in Julian’s bed where he would spend a good amount of time exploring the golden flesh from head to toe, and at the same time experience selfishness first hand. 

Out the view port, a tiny purple star pulsated and flashed brightly…then was gone.

**********

Julian woke up before his alarm, feeling good, for Q had been a very good lover, even if he didn’t understand love he sure understood the human body. Julian grinned at the warm thoughts and the pleasure he felt last night and sleepily stumbled from his bed into the bathroom to take a shower. 

He lingered in the water that cascaded on his body and smiled about last night. It had been good, but not great…for he didn’t love Q and the entity knew this, but it was still a good experience. He stepped from his shower and grabbed a large towel and wrapped it around his waist, and grabbed a smaller one to dry his hair and started to head out of the bathroom when all of a sudden…

“Don’t move!” 

Julian stopped and looked…stunned, for there were half a dozen security officers, none of which he knew, holding a phaser at him, like he was some sort of criminal. “What in heaven’s name are you doing?” he demanded, though he didn’t move a muscle. 

“It would be wise for you to explain who you are and how you got here?” a tall dark Vulcan asked, as he stepped forward, his own phaser trained on him. 

Julian looked puzzled. “I’m Doctor Julian Bashir, and I happen to be in ‘my’ quarters!” he snapped, not too happy about this intrusion. “The better question is who are you and why the hell have you barged into my room?” 

“I am Lieutenant Commander Tuvok of the USS Voyager, and these are ‘not’ your quarters. So I will ask you again…”

“Voyager?” it was Julian’s turn to look puzzled and confused. “What are you talking about, this is Deep Space Nine.” 

One of the security guards who held a phaser and a tricorder, “He does register as human, Sir,” and showed the Vulcan the readings. 

Tuvok looked at the readings and at the dripping young man before him, and then placed his phaser away, the others following suite. “You are not on DS9, but the Starship Voyager. I would like to know if you have any idea as to how you got here.” 

Julian looked around, then he noticed the stars out the view port of ‘his’ room, and how they were different…very different, and they were moving. “Oh, boy,” then he looked at the Vulcan security officer. “Um…” there was only one thing that came to mind, not that it made any sense…but since when did anything the Continuum did make sense. “Q?” 

“Ah,” was all the Vulcan said, and by the look on his face, the entity was no stranger here either. Then he taped his com badge, “Tuvok to Captain Janeway.”

“What have we got?” her voice was clear and she had a command tone to it. 

“It appears that Q has decided to…help out.” He stated. 

“How’s that?” 

“The intruder is Doctor Julian Bashir from Deep Space…” 

“Julian!” another but familiar voice came over the com unit. “Julian is that you?” 

It took a moment before he could place the man’s voice, but then it all came to him…if this was really Voyager… “Tom! Tom Paris is that you?” his face lit up at the sound of an old friend. 

“Lieutenant,” the voice of the Captain scolded. “Tuvok, perhaps you should bring Doctor Bashir up to the briefing room, Janeway out.” 

Tuvok looked at his officers. “I have it from here, return to your posts,” then watched them leave. “Perhaps you should consider getting dressed, Doctor.” 

Julian flushed; he was still in only a towel. He moved into the room and was surprised to see all his stuff was here, including his uniforms. He grabbed what he needed and changed in the bathroom, and then followed the Vulcan out the door. 

Until stepping from what looked just like his quarters, he still didn’t believe this was anyplace but DS9. In fact, he was still partly inclined to wonder if this was another Section 31 trick…but why so much trouble…and bring in a dead friend. //but that was Tom’s voice…and if this ‘is’ Voyager…// he smiled, for that meant that Tom was alive. 

He followed the Vulcan into the lift and into the briefing room and the first person his eyes locked on was Tom Paris, alive and well. “Tom!” he smiled and forgot about protocol and moved in and hugged his long lost friend. “It’s so good to see you!” 

“It’s good to see you too, Julian,” Tom replied hugging his friend. 

“I…I thought you were dead? I mean…”

“I know, most folks back home do,” Tom stated easily. Then he looked up to see the others waiting patiently and laughed. “Sorry.” Then he turned Julian around, “This is Doctor Julian Bashir, a long time friend, we went to the academy together, though he went to medical school, and graduated second in his class; thought I still think it should have been first…” 

“Tom now’s not the time for that,” Julian laughed, a slight flush on his face. 

“Your right. This is Captain Kathryn Janeway,” Tom introduced the small older woman wearing the Captain’s pips. 

She held out a hand, “Well, if you really are who you claim to be, you couldn’t have arrived at a better time,” she smiled. 

Julian accepted her hand. “Well, last time I checked, I was still me,” he smiled. 

Janeway smiled, the young officer did seem real enough, and she wasn’t kidding about good timing. After the last attack, the EMH was severely damaged, and B’Elanna was not too sure she’d ever get him fixed. “So, Q sent you?” 

Julian looked puzzled. “Well, I don’t know if he ‘sent’ me or not. I went to bed in my quarters on DS9 and thought I was still there…but I was here.”

“So how do you know that Q was involved,” a deep strong voice asked. 

Julian turned to look at who spoke and for the first time took notice of the strong gorgeous man that stood tall and commanding in the room, suddenly making everyone else fade away. He was a Commander, but even without his uniform, Julian could tell this man was a leader, and he was built like a warrior, and his eyes were…so…deep, and beautiful. Julian had to clear his throat, and silently thanked the fates that he was enhanced, for he could control his body’s reaction, otherwise he’d really be embarrassed at the site of the beautiful First Officer. He had been so entranced that he forgot the question, “I’m sorry could you repeat that?” 

“Forgive me, Doctor, this is Commander Chakotay, my First Officer,” Janeway introduced. 

The strong handsome man reached out a hand and Julian took it, feeling his soft skin but still firm hand, sent a spark throughout his body. “Glad to have you aboard, Doctor, but, as I asked before, what makes you think Q was involved?”

Julian let his hand linger as long as he could without making it look too obvious that he wanted to touch this man again. He retrieved his hand, “Well,” he looked at those around him, “he visited me last night.” //no reason to lie…about that anyway.// 

“What did he want?” Janeway asked, as she gestured for everyone to take a seat. “We’ll finish introductions later.” 

Julian was going to sit next to Tom but a half-Klingon woman did, and that left only one seat open, next to the Commander. He took his seat and took a moment to look around. There was also a young Asian man, and a alien who’s race he didn’t have a clue about, along with a blond women with a metallic eyebrow, in a silver cat suit, then he looked back at the Captain with full intent on telling her, but he recalled a ‘look’ in Q’s eyes, and suddenly felt that he would be betraying a confidence. “Um…it was personal,” he replied carefully. “Though I can say with certainty, nothing we talked about had any connection to me being here. In fact, like I just told Tom, I thought you were…dead.” 

Tom snorted, “Come on, Jules, what could Q want to talk about that would be…personal?” 

For some reason that angered him, “Just because you can’t image a reason, doesn’t make it any less true.” Then he looked to meet Captain Janeway’s eyes, “Captain, I assure you, if I thought that what we discussed had anything to do with the safety of your ship or crew, I would say so, but it was purely personal.” 

“Are you saying you and Q are like…friends?” the Half-Klingon stated in disbelief. 

Julian looked around the table, “I don’t know about that, only he wanted to talk about something, and for whatever reason, he chose me…end of story,” he stated, making it clear, he wasn’t going to betray a trust. 

“At ease, everyone,” Janeway stated, then looked at the young feisty doctor and smiled. “Well, Doctor, not even here an hour and already you feel at home enough to stir things up,” she teased. “You said you were a doctor at Deep Space Nine?”

“I am…was Chief Medical Officer at DS9, until this morning,” he smiled back, glad to see that this woman had a sense of humor. 

“As I said before, you couldn’t come at a better time. When we first got out here, our medical staff was…killed. We have been functioning with the EMH…”

“All these year?” 

“Afraid so,” Janeway replied. “But in our last encounter with the aliens in this quadrant…”

“Ah, excuse me, Capitan, but where exactly are we?” 

“Were in the Delta Quadrant,” Commander Chakotay stated. 

Julian looked at the handsome First Officer, a smile in his eyes, and then it dawned on him, “That’s a long ways a way.”

“Indeed, Doctor. And there are not a lot of friendly neighbors out here, so we tend to have more than our share of trouble, the latest damaged our EMH, and we were faced with functioning without a Doctor on board…until you arrived that is.”

Julian sat back quietly and thought about all this. “Ah, Captain, can I ask…why haven’t you trained someone to become a doctor? I mean, you’ve been gone for years…?” He became quiet seeing he hit a nerve with the Captain. 

“We have many crew members who have been trained in the medical field, but since medical is a secondary for them, they have not progressed as fast as we would have hoped. The highest we have is advanced medics, and those people have to still do their original job, since we are short handed.”

Those sitting at the table could see that Janeway was kicking herself for not pushing more and demanding more of those who doubled in the medical department. “Captain, we’ve all done what we could. It takes a lot more than cramming knowledge into ones head to be a doctor,” Chakotay stated in an attempt to ease his Captain’s guilt. 

“Well, regardless, your being here is a blessing, even if it did come from Q,” she stated. 

Julian didn’t react to her statement, for if he was stuck out here with them, for who knew how long, he didn’t want to make enemies, especially of the Captain. He had learned from his years on DS9 to become more observant, and he saw that Q held a sore point for the Captain, though he felt she should thank him, if they were that desperate, for sending him. Then it dawned on him that he wasn’t upset about being here…and made a mental note to think about why…when he had some quiet time. 

“Well, Doctor, since you and Tom are old friends, I’ll have him show you around and help you get settled. Since Q chose to move your entire quarters…might as well keep them,” she smiled. “I know this will take some adjustment for you and everyone here as well. But we are a Starship, and as such I will expect a full report from you on everything you can update me about back home as soon as you can… Tom?” 

Tom stood up, along with everyone else. “I’d be glad too, Captain.” 

“Okay, dismissed, and Doctor…welcome to Voyager.” 

***********

It had only been two days, and more to his own surprise than anyone else’s he was fitting in fine. He had informed the Captain about the war, and was surprised to hear she knew about it. What was a surprise to her was that Voyager’s existence was not common knowledge, but could understand why the Fleet wouldn’t go out of their way to let that information out, since there was nothing they could do about it. 

Tom had invited him to dinner that night and introduced him to the half-Klingon woman, his wife. Julian was surprised but delighted to meet B’Elanna, and seeing Tom so happy, for he recalled all the horrors his friend had endured, and a part of his soul was crushed when he heard about Tom’s death. Their fathers had dragged them both around from one social event to another, and the two boys met and became fast friends, and remain so throughout the years. 

He felt his face flush when Tom introduced him to B’Elanna as his brother, for that was how close the two men were, and it was then that her face lit up with understanding as to who he was, for when Tom talked about home, he referred to his ‘real’ brother, not Julian or Doctor Bashir. In fact, the one thing that stuck to Tom’s wife was how Julian or Tom’s ‘real’ brother was the only one who came to the trail and stood by him, even when Tom tried to push him away. 

Then later that night, Tom gave him a tour of the ship and gave him the download on the crew. The strange alien was a Talaxian called Neelix, and the woman was a former Borg drone, called Seven. He was filled in about rations and how the whole thing occurred with the Caretaker and how two crews became one. That led Tom to mentioning Commander Chakotay, and as Tom talked about the respected, strong, and stoic man, Julian couldn’t help but wonder why his friend and usually observant friend couldn’t see all the passion those dark eyes held. 

The next day had been filled with organizing the sickbay and getting to know the medical staff, and it only took half the day before he got them to stop saying, “The Doc isn’t going to like that when he gets back,” for Julian stated, “When he gets back either one, I won’t be here, so he can put it back or two, I’ll out rank him, and he’ll have to live with it.” He didn’t score any personal points, but it got them off his back. 

The highlight of that day was when Commander Chakotay came by and asked him to lunch, which he gladly accepted. There was to be a dinner, but the battered ship was still causing problems, and so the Commander was needed that evening…but a rain check was given. 

Julian was taking the extra time to work on the sickbay, free of any harassment, and taking in the quiet to ponder why he was not upset about being whisked away and placed here. //I didn’t have much back on DS9, and here I have Tom,// this made Julian smile, for he felt like he had family again, though it dawned on him, he would have to tell Tom the truth about him, and…damn…the Captain. //oh, well, if they don’t like it, they can find someone else,// his more cynical mind snapped. “Bottom line, Jules, your not upset, because you didn’t leave anything behind,” he stated quietly. 

He was placing a box of instruments away when suddenly he felt nauseous and dizzy. He leaned on the counter until it passed, then he moved to gather up a medical tricorder and scanned himself…then he did it again…and again. “No way!” he stated. He checked and double checked the equipment, and ran the scan again, “Oh, boy! How am I going to explain this one?” he stated as he took a seat in what was his new office. 

He was staring out into space that he didn’t hear anyone come in, until he saw them standing right in front of him, “Ah…Tom?” 

“Are you okay, Julian?” Tom asked as he came around the desk to stand near his friend and brother, as far as he was concerned. “You look…pale.” 

“Tom…I ah…” he let out a deep breath, not sure how to say this. Then he looked up at Tom, “I’ve got a problem.” 

Tom sat on the desk, looking serious, “You can count on me, Jules, what it is?”

He hated breaking a confidence, but…it wasn’t that anyone wasn’t going to figure it out sooner or late. “Um…when Q came to see me…we ah…well we…um…” he could feel the heat of embracement filling his face. “We um…Tom, I’m pregnant.” There he said it let him figure out how it occurred. 

He expected several types of reactions from Tom, but seeing the man faint was not one of them. After he got Tom up and sitting safely on the sofa, he unraveled his story…feeling he might as well get it all out in the open. So he told Tom about his enhancement, what happened to his father, his career, the war, and finally the other night with Q. Tom had been very quiet during the whole thing, and now Julian awaited his reaction. 

“Damn, and I missed all that?” Tom smiled warmly. Then his eyes grew softer, “I knew you had something you were hiding, and though I didn’t know what it was, I didn’t care, you’re my brother, just like we vowed so many years ago. You were the only one to stand by me, don’t think for a second I’m going to do any less. But you will have to tell the Captain, and this is a small ship, and from personal experience, nothing remains a secret for long. But know, I’m here for you…daddy,” Tom teased. 

“Who’s a daddy?” 

Both men turned to see Commander Chakotay standing in the doorway having just come in. “Commander, aren’t you up past your bed time?” Tom teased, trying to misdirect the subject at hand. 

“One could say the same thing for you, especially since I happen to know your wife just got off work and ‘will’ be looking for you. Might want to head home before she pulls on you leash,” he teased back. 

Tom stood up, placed a supporting hand on Julian’s shoulder. “I’ll see you for breakfast, okay?”

“Sounds good, goodnight, Tom,” Julian stated, then watched his friend start to move out, but slowed down next to Chakotay. 

“For the record, Chakotay,” Tom smirked, “Some of us like collars,” and with a wink, he left. 

Chakotay laughed then looked at the young healer, “was he always like that?” 

“No, he was much worse,” Julian laughed. “So, what brings you here?”

“You,” Chakotay stated warmly. Then he recalled what he had overheard. “I don’t mean to pry, but…who’s going to be a daddy…Tom? I mean, I won’t…”

“No,” Julian stated, feeling his heart slump after fluttering by the Commander’s declaration that he had come to see him. He looked away, and resolved to the fact that he would have to be telling this story at least several more times…one way or another. Only this time…he would lose something before he even had it. “Better sit down, Commander, I have a long story to tell you,” and when Chakotay joined him he told him everything. 

 

***********

Personal log: 

Strange I’ve been here for two weeks now, and this is my first personal log. I can’t begin to say how much my life has changed in the past fourteen days, but changed it has. Fifteen days ago I was depressed, but resolved with my fate in the universe and out of nowhere Q shows up looking for answers to the age old question, the meaning of love. Well, I did my best, but I couldn’t really answer him, so…*laugh* we had sex instead. 

The next thing I know I’m getting up feeling good and head for the shower, believing I’m in my quarters, which I was, but I didn’t know that Q had moved them to Voyager…what a trip! *sigh* It was a shock, finding out that I’m in another quadrant, but having Tom Paris back in my life, was well worth it, for he was the closest thing I had to family; not that my parents didn’t care, they…well, we never did become close, even after the incident where Father went to jail so I could stay in Star Fleet. 

I think about that night with Q, and I recall him asking me what I would want if I could have anything in the universe, and of course I knew what he was up too, feeling he had to buy my company, so I let him know I was offering, no strings attached. *laugh, sigh* seems he decided to pay me anyway; for had I answered the question, I would have wanted to be appreciated, and I am very much so appreciated here on Voyager. I also would have wanted a family, and I’m getting that two fold or should I say three fold. First there is Tom, my brother by love of spirit if not blood with his wife B’Elanna. Then I discover that via Q I’m expecting, and though I am only two weeks here, I am two months pregnant; guess, Q doesn’t like to waste time, *giggle* so in seven more weeks I’ll be the father of a beautiful baby boy, and to all scans seems totally human and very healthy. 

I thought when I told everyone of the situation that it would all back fire in my face, especially with the most amazing man I’ve ever met, Commander Chakotay, but blessed it, he didn’t waver one bit. *happy sigh* He stood by me when I faced the Captain, and even she, though surprised, took it well. The crew, well, I was expecting the worst…and I think I’m more surprised that I didn’t get it, along with the baby shower they just gave me…can you believe that?

Yes, there were gag gifts, like the nursing bra, from the Delaney sisters, and a maternity dress from Ken Dalby, but, since they were given with care, I can take a joke, especially when the joke had a ration tag with quite a bit attached to it. Geesh, I can’t believe these people! They have been through so much, and I still don’t know a fraction of it, but they persevere, and…they are family…and they have accepted me. 

*sniffle* The hormone shots tend to make me weepy, yeah right. I’m touched at what I’ve been given, and I’ve called out for Q, not only to speak with him, but to thank him, but he doesn’t answer. I hope he hears me, for I am thankful, not only for these good people, and my son, but for the love I’ve found with Chakotay. Oh, yes, I am totally in love with him! We’ve only dated and talked long into the night, oh, and a loving kiss the other night, but I know I’m in love. I’ve never met anyone like him, and I don’t want to look either. He accepts me for me, and even the fact that I’m going to have a child. We talk about all kinds of things, from his spiritual beliefs, which I find bordering on my views of life, though still different, to…well everything. 

We haven’t gone out of our way to let anyone know we are dating, but we’re not hiding it either, so I wasn’t surprised when Tom came to me today before taking me to my surprise baby shower and asked me about Chakotay. I was honest with him, and I was glad to see he was happy for me. Of course he is going to pay for making me ware that baby diaper on my head in front of the Captain, even if it was for only a minute, but taking a picture? *wicked laugh* he’s going to pay. 

It’s late, and I know I need all the rest I can get. Tomorrow I’ve got more medical records to go over to catch up on all the unique stuff found out here, so I won’t get caught off guard, and a few physicals, plus a dinner date with Chakotay. I’m hoping to turn it into a sleep over *chuckle* oh, I hope it is! Well, that’s enough for tonight. 

End personal log. 

************

Medical log: 

I have the sad duty of logging the death of Lieutenant Joe Carrey. It was a needless death, though if you ask me all death is needless. *sigh* Julian this is a medical log, not a personal one…get with it. At 14:37 Lieutenant Joe Carrey was beamed into sickbay from engineering after a power relay blew after a power surge due to the electrical pulses the enemy ship that was attacking Voyager was using. The enemy’s identity is unknown. The patient appeared on the biobed in full cardiac arrest. I administered the cordial and cardiac stimulator, while administering 25 cc’s of Therenal followed by 55cc’s of Hexidemial. There was partial response, his body started to function again. Medical sensors, which all logs will be attached to this file, showed that all nerve pathways were overloading and quite literally firing out, and nothing I was doing was stopping it. I then attempted a bypass of the center nerves system, but that was where the damage originated…there was nothing I could do. 

It is against regulations to administer large amounts of painkiller to patients, even if death is immanent. I take full responsibility for my actions and will face what ever punishment or action Star Fleet and or Captain Janeway sees as fitting. But Joe Carrey was going to die an extremely painful death. Had I realized, I would have let him go, but I had never seen anything like it, but I couldn’t let him suffer, even though it would be minutes, they would be agonizing ones. I looked down to see his eyes looking up at me, pleading me for release from the pain, even if soon his brain would be gone and who knows how much he’d still register. So, I gave him 75 cc’s of Alexideen, that would deaden the nerves to all pain. It also aided in Mr. Carrey’s passing. At 14: 58 Lieutenant Joe Carrey was pronounced dead. 

As to whether or not this will be my last medical log or not, I can not say. But though I regret the death of Joe Carrey, I do not regret my actions. I did for him what I would hope one would do for me in the same situation. I knew by the evidence before me that he was going to suffer, and he was going to die. I know a doctor is sworn to do no harm, but I do not feel I harmed him, but eased him in his passing. Of course, being a Starfleet doctor that Cree shouldn’t apply, for I’ve been in battle, and I’ve killed…I’ve done harm. Perhaps I’m not so worthy after all…

Ow…*breathe* guess my son doesn’t agree, for he just kicked me a good one. Well, I’m four and half months along, and if this goes poorly, I’m officially naming Tom Paris and B’Elanna Torres-Paris god parents of my son. *sigh* end report. *click* 

“I would take care of him too you know,” a strong voice echoed in the office. 

Julian startled looked up to see Chakotay standing in the arch way. His dark eyes looked sincere and full of concern. “I don’t doubt it, Tay. I just thought that it would be less of a hassle if it was a couple, beside, Tom and B’Elanna are going to be his god parents anyway,” Julian replied, trying to keep his emotions in check. 

Chakotay walked in the office and gently pulled Julian from the chair and held him lovingly, and felt the slender shoulders give way to the stress and grief, and a soft sob filled the air. “It’ll be okay, honey, it’ll be okay,” he chanted, while caressing the back of the young man he loved, vowing his words would be true. So much had changed for him and the ship in the last month, and he held the best part of that change in his arms. The young healer was brilliant, compassionate, kind, witty, not to mention beautiful, and won his heart with a single smile, the first time their eyes met on that first day. He was amazed that someone like Julian would even be interested in him, an old man, but Julian said he didn’t see an old man, but a beautiful soul that he wanted to know better. Oh, how he loved this young man! 

Now this young man was in trouble, and he wasn’t sure how to help him, but he would find a way. He couldn’t fault Julian for not wanting to watch Joe suffer and put him out of his misery, he would have done the same thing. In his heart he knew many would agree with him, but it would be up to Janeway in this matter, for the young healer had broken regulations in this matter. 

A small noise got his attention and he looked to see Tom standing in the door way, concern on his face too. Word had gotten out, if Tom was here. Julian had reported his actions first thing after the emergency was over with, and the Captain told him to make a full report and she would deal with him appropriately later after she and Tuvok went over all the facts. He looked at the young blond who had been a thorn in his side in the beginning, a comrade, then a friend, and through Julian, almost a brother-in-law. 

He watched Tom walk in and joined him in giving the sobbing young man comfort via their embrace. Though not a word was spoken between the two officers, they both agreed that they would do all they could for Julian and help him through this. Then Tom leaned back and broke his hold and stepped back, giving Chakotay a nod, then left the two men alone, he would oversee sickbay while Julian rested in Chakotay’s arms. Tom passed Captain Janeway who stood silently in the shadows observing the two men in the office. Their eyes met, and Tom felt a wave of reliefe…she understood…and somehow this would work out and become a thing in the past, for there had been enough grief today, there didn’t need to be anymore. 

************

“Push!”

“I am pushing you son-of-a…AHHHH!” 

“Your almost there, honey.”

“Don’t honey me! I want this thing out of me, and I want it now! AHHH!” 

“Hold on, Julian, the baby’s half way down the canal. Just a few more pushes.” 

“I…I can’t,” Julian sobbed, his face flushed and drenched in sweat, as he sat up on the delivery table, with Chakotay as his coach and Tom playing catcher. He looked exhausted. 

“Yes you can,” Tom encouraged him. 

Julian turned his face into Chakotay’s chest, “Why didn’t you talk me out of this…” he sobbed, his resolve long broken after twelve hours of labor. 

“It’ll be okay, honey, you’ll see. You’re just tired,” Chakotay soothed, having been with Julian every step of the way since labor hit in the middle of the night. 

“Hey, you said you had a chance to experience what no man has ever done before, natural child birth, and you wanted to do this…”

“Tom you’re not helping here,” Chakotay snapped. 

“Hey, I’m just trying to point out the fact as to why we all are here, plus, it’s too late now, we’re committed. So, Julian, stop wimping on me and push!” 

Chakotay was going to growl at Tom, but seeing Julian get mad, it dawned on him what Tom was doing. Tom could afford to be the focus of Julian’s anger, for he himself was the support. He helped his fiancé sit up and as Julian growled at Tom a few choice words, he pushed. 

“That’s it! That’s it…relax, great! Now just breathe.” 

“You fucker, I’ll get you for this!” Julian swore. 

Tom gave his cocky smirk, “not if you’re stuck here you can’t, and the only way you’re getting off this biobed is to give birth.” He gave Chakotay a wink, seeing Julian was buying into the taunt, for he was too tired not too. “So, how about another push.” 

“Fuck you!” Julian shouted as he pushed, with Chakotay giving him support from behind. 

“Okay. I can see the head!” Tom shouted with glee, and looked up to see the expression of anger changing to awe. “We’re almost there,” he smiled. “Push!” 

Julian pushed. “AHHHHHH!” he shouted, not letting up when told too, he wanted this over with, and soon he felt a swoosh, and fell back, exhausted; but a cry of a child brought a smile to his face as he looked over to see Tom presenting him with a bundle in a white towel. 

“Welcome back,” Tom teased. Seeing the puzzled look on Julian’s face, “You passed out for a little bit, but its okay, you were exhausted. I have someone who wants to meet you,” he smiled as he placed the bundle in Julian’s arms. 

He looked at the tiny young boy in his arms and tears of joy fell down his face. He had cried often in his life, but this was the first time he cried for joy, for he was holding his son. He had soft fluffs of black hair, dark brown eyes like a deer, and golden skin like his own, along with the five fingers and toes he was suppose to have. Julian looked up at Tom and Chakotay, “did you see him?” 

“Yes, he’s beautiful, just like you” Chakotay replied, kissing Julian on the forehead. “So, are you going to introduce us?”

“Yeah, you’ve kept the name to yourself…spill. I have to make a report, and you’ve got an entire ship on edge here,” Tom teased, being the proud God father he was. 

“Tay, Tom, I’d like you to meet my son, Shanal Doray Bashir.” 

“That sounds Bajoran,” Chakotay smiled, reaching out a thick finger that the little boy grasped hold of, brining a tear to his own eyes, for soon this little one would be his too. Of course, as far as Chakotay was concerned, little Shanal already was his, since his Father was too, technicality be dammed. 

“It is, it means Quiet Inspirations, and he has been an inspiration to me that is for sure.” 

“So, should I save myself the trouble and log him as Shanal Doray Chakotay?” Tom teased. 

“No, we’ve talked and I’m taking his last name,” Chakotay replied, “It’ll be less hectic in the long run.”

Tom grinned, for he just won another hundred rations from the pool, “You got it. Now, I’ll let you guys bond, and I’ll go put our Captain and crew at ease,” Then left the little family alone to bond. 

Julian slid over so Chakotay could sit on the edge of the bed with him. “Sorry about…” 

Chakotay leaned in and kissed Julian softly. “Nothing to be sorry for,” he smiled. 

Julian looked down at his son and smiled, his heart flowing with love and joy, then looked up at Chakotay and gently handed him over, “He’s your son too,” he said softly. The sight of the big man looking apprehensive and overjoyed at the sight and feel of the little baby in his arms brought more joy to Julian’s heart. //Thank you again Q,// his heart whispered quietly. 

************

“NO!” 

The sound of vials smashing echoed in the room, then it filled with the sound of grief and sobs of defeat. 

“Stop this Julian,” Chakotay gently ordered as he pulled his husband up from the floor of the lab, “this isn’t going to help him.” 

Julian whirled on his husband, “Nothings going to help him, don’t you understand…NOTHING!” then he broke down into strong arms, not wanting to accept his defeat. “It’s not fair,” he sobbed. 

“I know it’s not,” Chakotay agreed, his own tears flowing down his face. “But we have to accept this…”

“I don’t want to accept this!” Julian shouted as he leaned back staring down his husband for daring to say such a thing. 

“Stop this! There is no cure, and all you’re doing is wasting the time we have left with Shanal! He’s not going to disappear overnight, we have time to show him how much we love him,” Chakotay insisted. 

Julian’s body trembled, for it was bad enough to lose a battle, but one that would sentence your own child to an early death was too much. He blamed himself for not noticing it right away, but no one had saw it at first, but soon it became obvious shortly after the wedding; Shanal was aging at the same rate he developed, with signs that it may increase in the future. So instead of the six week old baby he should have been, he was now six months old, and every day since it was discovered until now, Julian worked almost around the clock to find a cure…but none was to be found. 

“Damn you Q!” Julian shouted as he fell to his knees, overwhelmed with anger and grief. 

“Don’t say that,” Chakotay replied taking his love into his arms, and doing his best to sooth the ache he too felt in his heart. 

“Why not,” Julian demanded. 

“Because, no matter what, he is the reason we have Shanal in the first place, and I know I rather have him in my life for a short time than not at all…how about you?” 

Julian looked into the dark eyes that brought him so much joy and reason when his emotions tried to over take him, and saw the truth. He too would rather have his son for a short time then not at all. Plus, Q brought him here, where he was surrounded by family, and never been so happy, except for this. He looked away, “Your right,” he admitted. 

“Let’s go home and be with our son,” Chakotay whispered lovingly. When Julian nodded, he called for a site to site transport, and carried his love to the sofa. He sat holding his love when B’Elanna and Tom came out of the baby’s room and saw the emotionally drained couple. 

“We can take Shanal for the night if you wish,” B’Elanna offered, tenderly. 

Julian only shook his head no, but never looked at her or Tom, just kept his face buried in the chest of his husband. It was a moment later that he felt something by his arm and looked to see that Tom had brought him his son. With tear stained eyes he looked up to the man who he loved as a brother with thanks and took his son in his arms and held him tightly, while Chakotay held them both. 

The couple left the tiny family to find courage in their love to face the trials before them, while Tom and B’Elanna quietly discussed the fate and future of the child they would be having in the many months to come, for this was a time for reflecting, and searching in the silence for wisdom when no answers are to be found. 

Chakotay held his family until both souls he loved and prized above all else slept soundly, and then he moved them gently to the large bed in their room and laid them down, snuggling close by them, lending them is love and streanght. “Spirits” he prayed quietly, “I know there is a reason for all things that occur, but why…why this?” he let a tear fall down his cheek, for the sorrow he felt at the pain he saw in his love’s eyes, and the short time bestowed to them of their son. His mind recalled what his Mother had once said, “All children are only lent to us as a gift from heaven, the length of that gift is unknown, and so should be cherished every second of every day the blessing lasts.” She had said it when he asked her about why a small cousin had passed over to the ancestors and was only five years old. His eyes wondered over the tiny form of his son, and his hands caressed the smooth dark golden skin, and smiled. “So long as you are mine to love, little one, I shall,” he vowed, then joined his family in much needed sleep. 

*********

“Papa!” 

Chakotay smiled from ear to ear as he saw the little golden boy shout with joy at his arrival home. It seemed like only days ago when Shanal had taken his first steps, and now he was running across the room. Chakotay picked up the boy and swung him around, and then brought him in for a landing and a hug and a kiss. “How’s my boy?” he asked the toddler. 

“Papa home!” the boy shouted while hugging his papa. 

“I think he missed you,” Julian smiled as he walked in the room from Shanal’s room after changing the child. It was his day off, and that meant he took the time to catch up on extra house duties, and had play time with his son, that always ended in the two of them needing to be changed by the time Chakotay got home, today was no exception. 

“Well, I missed him too,” Chakotay smiled warmly. “Why don’t you get changed and I’ll get dinner,” he offered. 

“Sounds good to me. Don’t forget, Tom and B’Elanna, Harry, the Captain and Seven are coming tonight,” Julian smiled and entered the bedroom. He stripped out of his water color covered cloths and tossed them in the laundry and then headed into the shower. He let the warm water flow over his body, and let his mind relax, and it drifted over all the time that had passed. A part of him wished he could send word to his parents to let them know he was okay, even Colonel Kira, for he knew she’d take his disappearance personally. But there had not been any contact with the Alpha quadrant since before he arrived. He only could hope that they would somehow know he was well and was happy. 

Happy…he was very happy. He excelled in his research out here, learning and discovering things he never could have accomplished back home. Then of course there was his amazing husband, and brilliant child, and the best friends he could ever have hoped for. He felt an inner glow and peace fill him as he stepped from the shower and dried off and got changed. He just opened the door to the bedroom and the picture that greeted his eyes stilled him. 

Shanal had Papa and Uncle Tom on the floor growling like animals in the zoo, while Aunt B’Elanna and Aunt Kathryn were laughing their heads off. The holiday decorations in the room only added to the moment, for tomorrow would be Christmas day, and the room was filled with the best gifts he could ever want. Not wanting to lose this moment he quickly snuck off and got the camera and started taking pictures, not letting anyone know he was there, until after he caught Aunt Kathryn playing horsy for Shanal on a photo, and she was embarrassed. 

“Okay hand it over, Mister,” she stated in her Captain’s voice, her hand out, wanting the camera. 

Julian only grinned from ear to ear, for they long since agreed that during family gatherings, rank got left at the door. “In your dreams, Kathryn” he retorted. “But I’ll make sure you get a copy. Oh, and I have a great one of Tay and Tom being tamed by the great lion tamer,” he teased looking over her shoulder. 

“Just how long have you been standing there?” Chakotay asked, a flush crossing his own face. 

“Long enough,” Julian teased, and dashed into the bedroom when he saw he was being targeted by his husband. The first thing he did was ditch the camera after the doors closed, so when Chakotay charged in and tackled him, the only prize he could claim was him, which he did lovingly. 

“Are you going to hand over the camera?” Chakotay asked, between laughter and breathing. 

“No, but I’ll gladly surrender myself,” Julian grinned. 

“Perhaps later,” Chakotay chuckled and then helped his husband up. “Come on, we have guests,” and led Julian out the room. 

“Well,” Kathryn asked, in hopes Chakotay got the camera. 

“Sorry, I have to report the opposition was too smart for us,” he deadpanned. 

Everyone chuckled, and Julian was bowled over by Shanal, “Daddy, Hawee, Seven here, we open pwesents now?” 

“No love, that’s for later, not yet,” Julian smiled lovingly. Then he joined the tiny gathering in celebrating his and his son’s first Christmas on Voyager and rejoiced in all the gifts that surrounded him, and silently thanks Q once more for all he had. 

Then after all was cleaned up, and everyone home safe and sound and snug in their own beds, as Shanal and Tay were asleep in theirs, Julian stood by the view port… “Q.” he called out softly. He waited, but nothing, so he called out again, “Q!” but still kept his voice low. Still nothing, and with a sigh, “Well, for what it’s worth, I wish you were here with us to celebrate, because, if not for you there wouldn’t be anything to celebrate. You said once that you wanted to be welcomed instead of dreaded…I’d welcome you, Q. I would.” Then Julian turned from the view port and checked on his son, who snuggled up to the teddy bear his Papa and Daddy gave to him, and Julian smiled at the little angel he saw sleeping. This was the only time Shanal lived up to is name sake of quiet, for otherwise the boy was full of questions and energy to match. Then Julian moved back to his room and changed for bed, and curled up to his husband. 

“You okay?” 

“I’m fine,” Julian replied, and gave his husband a loving kiss. “Merry Christmas, Chakotay.”

“Merry Christmas, Julian,” Chakotay replied and kissed his husband, and decided to open one of his gifts early, as he started to unwrap the present next to him slowly, and glad that Julian felt the same way and was opening his gift early too. It was going to me a merry night for the loving couple. 

*************

Personal log: 

Time flies when your happy, but every once and a while things tend to jog your memory at how fragile time really is. Today is Shanal’s third birthday, and he looks twelve. Though I wouldn’t trade a moment I have had with my son and husband, I find myself at times being selfish and wishing I had a three year old running around here instead of a twelve year old. Though I thank the Spirits that he has matured mentally as well as physically, for I don’t think Julian could have taken much more in the beginning. 

He is a good boy, and I couldn’t wish for better, only that…heavens, he’s three! In another three years he’ll be twenty four, then thirty six…*heavy sigh* Julian and I want him to have as normal a life as possible, but we fear for him; what parent wouldn’t? But sometimes that has led to arguments, even stupid ones, like today. 

I said we should put three candles on his cake, since he was three, and Julian said twelve, since technically he was that age. The tiniest thing set us both off, for it was a reminder at how fragile our time was with him, and neither of us was prepared for that slap in the face. After a short break from each other, we talked and understood how this was difficult for each of us, and agreed that there would be a candle, but only one, so Shanal could make a birthday wish. Well, I have to end this, for our guest are arriving… end log. 

Chakotay walked out of his office to get the door to admit Tom, B’Elanna and their little girl, followed by Sam and Naomi, and Seven and Kathryn with their baby boy. Seeing the families enter he reminisced at how much had changed over the years, and with each year, they became more and more of a large family, and wondered from time to time, if heading back to the Alpha Quadrant was really the best thing after all. Home…well, Voyager was home. 

“Honey, we have guests,” he smiled, as he took his God-daughter and God-son into his strong arms and hugged them both, being more gentle with the much younger boy. 

Julian came out with the three layer cake that he made from scratch. The light blue frosting enchanted by the white made it look replicated, it was perfect, and Kathryn was jealous and said so. “Hey!” he greeted them as he placed the cake down on the table were some gifts were already placed out. 

“Ah, you make me sick,” Kathryn teased. “Surely there must be something you can’t do!” 

“Well there is,” Julian said, “But Chakotay would kill me if I told you,” he grinned, knowing that the comment alone was enough to get his husband to blush, which it did. 

“I thought that by tradition there was to be an exact count of candles on the cake matching the exact number of years that has passed,” Seven stated. 

They all saw the shift in the eyes of both Julian and Chakotay, when Julian spoke up, “We…we decided that one was all that was needed. New tradition,” he smiled, trying to hide the sorrow that lingered just in the shadows. 

“So, where’s the birthday boy?” Tom asked to help change the subject. 

“He’s with Uncle Harry, playing Parises squares,” Chakotay replied with a touch of fatherly pride. 

“You let him play at his age?” Sam retorted before thinking. “Um…sorry.”

“For what,” Julian asked as he placed out cups and plates. “We have to face facts. If he was truly three, he’d be in the next room, but he’s not physically three, he’s twelve, and we have to accept it. Yes, it is a bit young for him to be playing but…” he looked at Chakotay, not really wanting to finish this train of thought. 

“We decided a long time ago to make every moment count,” Chakotay added for him, then gave a knowing smile, and took control of organizing the semi-surprise party. 

Harry brought Shanal back on time and a good time was had by all as gifts were given, and delight filled young dark eyes. There was no question he was loved on this ship and spoiled, but no more than any other child on Voyager would be, considering what they had to contend with…alien attacks, diseases, power shortages, food shortages, and constant unknown. The party was a hit, and after wards, Shanal and Naomi took advantage of Aunt Kathryn’s gift of some holodeck time to go surfing, something many were surprised that Chakotay knew how to do, and well, and passed the knowledge on to those who dared to learn it. He also made sure that the safeties couldn’t be turned off by any ‘junior’ crewmember, and so was not worried at their departure. 

He and Julian cleaned up their home and took some time to cuddle on the couch, they liked to do that; a blanket around them both, some hot tea, and the stars. They had been talking; necking, simply loving each other when the doors to their quarters open and Shanal came in, and he looked upset. 

“Honey, what’s wrong?” Julian asked with concern. 

“I get it now,” he sobbed softly. 

“Get what? What’s wrong?” Chakotay asked, for he too was concerned. 

The young man walked up to his parents and looked at them, as tears fell down his golden cheeks. “I love you,” he replied and jumped on them, hugging them both tightly, and he sobbed almost uncontrollably. 

“What’s wrong, what happened?” Julian asked as he caressed his son’s back, not understanding what was going on. 

Shanal leaned back and looked at his Dad and Pa. “I’m sorry,” he said, his eyes swollen from tears that kept on falling. “I…I didn’t understand, but I do now. You mean the world to me, and I…I’m sorry,” he sobbed and hugged them both again. 

Julian looked at Chakotay hoping for some understanding, but saw he had none either. “What ever it is, I’m sure it can’t be that bad.” 

“Oh, it’s bad,” Shanal said as he moved back from their embrace. He wiped his face though the tears would not quit, “I never meant to hurt you, I just didn’t understand,” he said again. 

Chakotay and Julian looked at each other again, then back at their son, “What did you do that you think was so terrible?” Chakotay asked softly. 

The young boy stepped toward his Papa, and leaned in and kissed him on the cheek, “I’m sorry, Papa,” he whispered, and suddenly Chakotay fell asleep. 

“What the…!” Julian started, seeing his husband knocked out by a kiss. Then before his eyes the young man morphed as did the room…he was back in his quarters, sitting in his old bed, staring at Q. “No, it…it couldn’t have been just a dream,” Julian stated as he jumped from his bed and moved to the view port, and saw Alpha quadrant stars, and the outskirts of DS9’s station rings. His eyes went wide as it dawned on him that all that he had found and loved was…not real. “How could you!” he shouted at Q, his own eye filling with tears as his heart ached. 

“I…I didn’t understand…I just wanted to understand…” came a softly sobbing voice. 

Julian closed his eyes, and let a tear fall, and wrapped his arms around his naked chest, since it was apparently the morning after their frolic in bed, and no time had actually passed. He was angry, hurt, for being given what he desired most; only to discover it wasn’t real…none of it was real…or was it? The soft sobbing in the background seemed to touch his heart, not because it was Q, but it dawned on him what happened. Q was Shanal, and he had raised him, loved him, and now, in some warped kind of way, his child was crying because he was hurting. 

Julian turned and looked at the grown male form that Q had taken on, but all he now saw was a lost child. He gathered up his robe and put it on and then moved and embraced Q, this time not like an adult, but like a parent. A part of his mind thought about before when they touched, but Julian’s mind told him not to go there…that was with an adult Q, before he had been reborn. This was not that Q anymore. “Shh,” he said, and sat on the bed and was glad that Q morphed his shape again to the smaller one of Shanal, for it would have been awkward the other way. He continued to rock the young man, “It’ll be all right,” he soothed. 

After Q seemed to settle down, Julian looked at the young boy in his arms. “What triggered it for you? I mean, what exactly led to you…getting it?” he asked, curious.

The younger form of Q looked up, and wiped his face dry. “I was on the holodeck with Naomi, and we were surfing and talking. Suddenly she started talking about her mother and how she prayed that nothing would happen to her, and how much she meant to her. I asked about what she thought her mother would think if she lost her, and Naomi said she thought it would crush her mother. Then I started thinking, I mean really thinking, and it hit me. You two meant the world to me, and I would be crushed if I lost you, and then I realized what I was doing to you and felt…ashamed. I was hurting you, and I didn’t even realize it, for I was too filled with my own desire to understand love. I realized that I understood love when I realized that I was hurting the two people I loved most in the universe, even if I didn’t understand the particulars. Unfortunately I could only put a stop to it sooner than later, for I didn’t have any other control over this.” 

“What do you mean, put an end to it sooner than later? Are you saying when you reached a certain age…”

“Everything would revert back, yes,” Q admitted shamefully. 

Julian closed his eyes, trying to keep the hurt and anger inside, “Why only stop it? Why not leave me there?” 

“I…I couldn’t do this alone, so I had…help. They would only let me control the out, for I wouldn’t agree without one, and I didn’t think at the time about…”

“Anyone else,” Julian finished for him. 

Q only nodded his head. Then he looked up into eyes that held his new soul, “I would send you there, but that part of the time line I interceded has long past, and things are quite different.”

“Are you saying that if you sent me there now, Tay and I wouldn’t…” he couldn’t say it. He gently pushed the small form of Q off his lap, and stood up and moved back to the view port, staring out, feeling the sting of loss overtake him. His eyes became blurry, and he took a deep breath to control the tears. His eyes searched the horizon and at first there didn’t seem to be the star he admired so much then after a blink, he discovered it again, vibrating brightly. He stood there silently for awhile, feeling himself withdrawing inward, placing up walls to protect a damaged heart and soul. 

“I really am sorry Da… Julian.” 

Though the slip was small, Julian caught it, and turned to face the small form of Q, and could only see his son, and moved and dropped to his knees and held him tightly. “I know,” said, then stood up and regained his control. “But what is done is done,” he said, much like Chakotay. 

“I…should go,” Q stated, snapping his fingers and vanishing. 

Julian moved to the com unit and called in sick, for he couldn’t put aside what he would have sworn was the happiest three and half years of his life. Then he curled up on his couch, with a blanket, a cup of tea, and cried, for this would now always be missing an important element…his husband.

***********

In the distance a bright yellow light hovered next to a vibrant purple one. 

“This sucks!” the bright light echoed. 

“You wanted to know about love Q, I showed you,” the purple light replied. 

“Well, I didn’t know that love would hurt so much,” the yellow light snapped back. 

“Did it always feel that way?” 

The yellow light was silent for awhile, “No, no it didn’t. When it was good, it was great, and now that it is bad…it hurts.”

“Do you think you could explain that any better?” asked the purple light.

“No, it’s not something one can converse into words, even though mortals have tried for years; I understand that now.”

“Then the experiment was a total success,” the purple light said very scientifically. 

“Success, are you kidding! It was a total disaster!”

“Oh, how is that?” the Purple light inquired. 

“Well, for one I’m miserable…and so is my Da…Julian. The time line has continued on unhampered as agreed upon and Pa…Tay…er…Chakotay has clicked with the Borg woman, and will be back here soon. Nothing of what they experienced will come to pass, well not quiet,” Q replied, his yellow light form shimmering with frustration. “How am I to make things right, when I’m forbidden to alter the time line,” he snapped. 

“Why change the past?” the purple light asked gently. 

The yellow light vibrated in frustration then settled down, “Yes, why indeed.” Then in an instant the yellow light glowed. “Thanks!” and blinked out. 

“Always my child, always,” the warm caring voice of the purple light echoed, then became silent and remained where he was. 

*************

Chakotay entered his quarters feeling pretty good about life. He and Seven had really started to hit it off, and even though she had tried to call it off between them because of what Admiral Janeway had told her, he had convinced her not too. That it was up to them to make it through each day, and if things worked out…great, if not, than…that was life. 

Tomorrow they would be putting their plan into action, and he knew Kathryn was holding something back from him and Tuvok about what was going to happen, but he trusted her, and knew that whatever it was, it was for the good of the crew…their family. Suddenly as that word echoed through his mind, he felt empty, not a new feeling, just that he was sure that with the way things have been going between him and Seven, it would change. //Time, give yourself some time,// he told himself. 

He got up and showered and changed for bed and sat on his sofa, pulling a blanket around him, and a hot cup of tea, and stared at the stars by the view port, and instead of thinking of the beautiful blond down in Astrometrics he couldn’t get past the feeling something was missing from what was once one of his favorite positions to relax, like someone else should be here, though no one ever had been. Then he started to wonder, even as affectionate as Seven was becoming, would she cuddle up with him on the sofa and stare out to the stars? //Come on, you haven’t been even dating a week, give it a rest,// he chided himself. He finished his tea and went to bed, and dreamed the most remarkable dream he ever had.

When he awoke, he had to check the chronometer to verify that it had been only a dream. He felt lost, empty, and even had tears down his cheeks for it had felt so real, that the beautiful young man that touched his soul like no other…was just a dream. 

He check the time again, and found he had several hours before his shift and things were going to get rough and decided he needed to meditate so he could focus on the day before him. He made himself comfortable and relaxed and entered his dream plane, looking for his spirit guide to aid him with this unusual dream. 

The meadow was just as beautiful as always, but his guide was nowhere to been seen. He walked for a while; taking in the peace he needed to sooth his soul. He was thinking of leaving when he spotted the silhouette of someone standing in the sun just on the horizon. He moved toward it and his eyes grew wide, for it was the boy from his dream! “I…I know you!” 

The boy smiled, “Yes, Papa. For once in a dream you were my father and I was your son,” the child replied. 

“How?” Chakotay asked, “Why?”

“What does it matter how? What occurred only happened in the minds of two people, you and my Daddy. As to why…it was so a foolish spirit could understand the bonds of love and I have, but at a heavy price…your hearts.” 

“You mean…he’s real? Julian is real?” 

“Yes, he is as real as you are, and is back in the Alpha quadrant, just like he told you in the dream. What you two shared was real, and can be real again…if you desire it to be.” 

Chakotay glowed with the prospect, then frowned, thinking about Seven, but the spirit child seemed to see and understand this, “Do not worry about her, she will find love and be happy, this I promise, since I now understand it and its value.” 

Chakotay nodded at the news, “Will you…be there too?” he asked the spirit of the one that had been his son. 

“Yes and no. No, I will not be there in the way you know me now, and it is great that you will not wish me there when all is made clear by Julian. But know this. You have taught me a great thing, and all I do now will be because of it…thank you…Papa,” the child said, a tear rolling down his golden cheek, then vanished. 

Chakotay awoke and felt his spirit soar. He recalled that Julian was a doctor at DS9, and after they got back, and settled things with Seven, he was making a bee line to find the man that he knew was his soul mate. He looked out the view and realized just how inspired he was for getting home he had become. He then got ready and headed out to start the day, quietly anticipating what was soon to come. 


End file.
